just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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