Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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