; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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