How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
