I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
