i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
