On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
This baby is an asshole
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Randomize
