He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I love how my cats smell like pot.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
