My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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