Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
