oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
