I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
