Your mouth is God's brothel.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
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