Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
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