nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
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