I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
