It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
