Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
