I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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