i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
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