my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
