New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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