Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Randomize
