I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
