Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
