Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Randomize
