She's JV to your varsity
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Randomize
