Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
