i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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