my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
