Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
