i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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