You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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