The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
