Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
