She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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