Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
