Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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