do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
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If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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