You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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