You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
