I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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