i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
