The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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