Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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