i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Randomize
