i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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