Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
