dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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