On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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