I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
