I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
