just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
