Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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